COVID-19 Pandemic: The Fears, Paranoia, Prayers and Gratitude

If you have not been affected by the virus COVID-19, you should be grateful. Thank God everyday because you can still smile and laugh, travel just anywhere you desire with your wealth, feast on foods you love to eat, and still have time to Tiktok with your comedy skits and dance moves.

What if...?

What if two of your loved ones have died during this pandemic and two are in the hospital trying to survive? What would you do? Could you still be able to smile and dance, and enjoy your food as you travel? 

Ask us. We could not. My family and I just could not. All we did was pray and pray and pray... that all our loved ones would survive; that someday they could go home and stay with us again.

In my agony of praying, I told God, "Lord, pagod na akong manalangin. Pagod na pagod na. Please, spare us, O Lord!" 

Have you ever begged God really, really that hard?

Our COVID-19 Story

I am sharing my family's story so that, if ever you have not been infected by COVID-19, there's a reason for you to be grateful to God everyday. Trust me, the impact of COVID-19 is severely draining emotionally, physically, mentally, financially and spiritually.

My Sister's Passing Amidst the Pandemic

In 2020, during the early months of the pandemic, my sister Rebecca passed away. She had lymphoma. Though she was tested negative of COVID-19, we had a taste of the unfortunate effects of the pandemic from the moment we rushed her to the hospital up to the day her body was cremated. Fear, paranoia, anguish, sudden death, separation, impoverishment: they were not easy to digest. Each day was a desolation. 

So, we turned to prayers. In those moments, it was like praying was the only thing we could hold on to — feeling helpless but hoping, hoping but doubting. Our faith was tested. It was the second time I experienced the agony of praying. The first was when my mother was diagnosed with cancer in 1998.

We lost Rebecca – a sister, a mother, an aunt, a grandmother. Her sudden lost was unexpected. Just weeks before, she could still talk and smile; then just like that, she was gone. At the hospital, though her son was beside her, no other visits were allowed. She was almost alone. No family or friends to hug or uplift her spirit. At her wake, there were hardly any.

When my mother died in 2004, and my eldest sister Felisa years later, we were delighted by the many friends who came to sympathize with us. My sister Ruby was a sociable and friendly woman. Due to this pandemic, it was very sad that only a handful made it to her wake.

Why Again, Lord?

After my sister's death, we have moved on. We should though from time to time, her absence would bring back memories. We are very grateful to those who have helped us financially. The amount of the hospital bill was no joke. So, try not to be sick these days.

Late January of 2021, my sister Corazon rushed her husband to the hospital complaining of breathing difficulty. In 24 hours, he died — suspected COVID. For us his in-laws, his death might have lesser emotional impact compared to my sister's death; but, definitely, not for his son. I wondered how we was coping with. Perhaps, in his mind and heart, the agony of praying was indescribable. My sister was impacted the most because she had to go through all those protocols from her husband's death up to his cremation; not to mention the bills that she had to pay.

We isolated ourselves because we had contact with him. My sister and her son decided to be tested. Thank God, results were negative! Relieved? Yes, but not for long.

Perhaps God was trying to teach us a lesson. Two weeks after my brother-in-law's death, we had to rush my nephew Joseph to the hospital. Same complaint — difficulty of breathing. And when the dreadful result came, my nephew was COVID-19 positive; and his condition was severe!

Oh God! It was like the earth crushed to my head. Each day, my nephew's condition was not improving, the emotional torment we were experiencing was unbearable. It's happening again: the fear, the paranoia, the helplessness, the hoping, the praying — our faith being tested again.

So, then we prayed — again and again — incessantly. Oh my God! Why was it happening to us?

His wife and kids were directly exposed to him; so they had to be quarantined. We had contact with them as well, so we had to isolate ourselves. 

Days passed; it's been five. My sister-in-law messaged me. My brother Jaime was rushed to the hospital.

Have you ever wondered how it felt to go through all these? It was draining — really, really draining. "Talaga lang, Lord; kailangan bang sunod-sunod?" Why? What's your plan?

At home, we were mostly quiet. Perhaps, thinking of the same things -- hoping and praying, fearing the uncertainty. 

I remember when my sister Rebecca was at the hospital, not knowing what was happening at that time, I was looking at a calendar, I didn't know why but I was thinking of her. Then suddenly, I felt a certain disconnection and tears welled in my eyes. At that moment, the phone rang. My sister's gone.

Prayers, Miracles and Gratitude

While others have found time to enjoy life despite this pandemic, some mourn for the loss of their loved ones. If I had a way, I would choose to enjoy life. Why not? Every one needs positivity during this pandemic. But what if you were chosen to suffer enormously?

I do not know what is in God's mind. Why only select families suffer severely from this pandemic? Are we being favoured or being punished? In the first place, is it God's doing who should suffer and who should not? Only God knows. That's where the uncertainty lies. Either you believe or you just hope.

God heard our prayers and cries. My nephew's wife and children were tested negative. My nephew's condition started to improve. Oxygen support was removed. Tuesday, 16 Feb, my brother was discharged from the hospital — non-COVID. On the same day, my nephew said that he could be out of the hospital the next day. He was not tested again because the doctor said that the result would still be positive due to traces of dead viruses. He was quarantined for five days more. 

Whether with science or faith, these are miracles — not just something but a huge thing to be grateful for. Nevertheless, we continue to pray — everyday.

God knows our prayers even before we say it. That's what He said in the Scriptures. What we do not know is how God would respond. The anxiety lies there. It's an irony of hoping with uncertainties; which is difficult to carry that you don't know whether your faith is being tested or you have faith at all. Nevertheless, you pray without ceasing. 

When faith is frail, you hold on to hope. When hope becomes uncertain, what remains is timeless praying.